No wonder the disciples were freaking out. Feeding all those people. Dang it, I can't even figure out catering for a Sunday lunch at church for only 100 people. God's logic is not like man's logic. But then again, God isn't restricted by things like cost or time or distance or strength. See for me the question is not whether or not God can do something, it is whether or not He wants to. And isn't there a difference between willingness & wanting? He may be willing to do something, but would He want to? I'm sure I don't know Him well enough to know and ask with confidence. What goes on in God's mind?
but is He willing? and am i?
my Jesus moment was from Luke 11:14-36.. i felt pretty confused and not at all focused.. there was this mute demon, cryptic talk about demons in a heart that was like a cleaned house, the sign of jonah, and the lamp of the body talk... it just seemed so choppy.. like someone just trying to take down all these random conversations He had with a bunch of random people all at one time...
the one thing that really struck me from this passage was this interjection when a woman called out from the crowd, "blessed is the mother who gave you birth and nursed you." and He actually gives her the time of day by responding, "blessed rather are those who hear the word of God an obey it." slam. i don't know why He has always seemed so harsh & cold to me.. i always had the sense that someone took a chance to say something and He just shot it down with His strange prophetic words. and yet, it was a clue.. we're on the right path.. obedience..
as for me, my day was strange... i felt shaky, like i had too much sugar and not enough sleep.. hyper and not-focused.. mind spinning a lot. i'm exhausted now. feeling the daunting task of tomorrow with all it's activities & the flurry of people i will encounter to be overwhelming to think about.
there is a difference, though. subtle, but constant, all day.. a new something.. do you sense it too? something in the air i was breathing, almost.. a peace.. a curiousness.. a hope, almost. i think it was that i didn't feel condemned to a fate of never changing, of staying in my rut forever.. i've always known that He is strong enough to save, but have always wanted to know, "is He willing?" and for once i knew the answer was, "yes." and it's been a captivating experience.
tonight ended up not being the quiet night i expected b/c when i came home i found that my sister was home. after all our patchy trying to catch up i tried to explain to her this.. this.. i don't know, i tried to explain to her about living the Jesus life.. she gave me a smile i couldn't immediately place.. "it sounds so cliche" and it did. and i realized that i couldn't explain it. there were no new words.. just a new what is it? i am at such a loss to express..
but one of her best friends from school accepted Christ tonight.... ah the rejoicing!!! the hope, the future... paralleled.. on that path of great adventure.. i suppose i should write more when i'm more lucid. perhaps all this cloudy thought is good.. there is no capability for boasting... everything is still yet so confusing.. i am still left hanging, wondering, waiting, breath held, anticipatory waiting.. wanting.. till tomorrow.. er today? how goes it on your side, daniel?
Friday, May 24, 2002
at least a "try"
so, about peter. i used to think that guy was such an IDIOT!! then i came around and realized, yes he was an idiot, and i am strikingly like that man. today when i was trying out my "art" at church my mind was flooded by the questions again.. "does this glorify God?" "does Jesus approve?" "is this really beneficial for the body or may i alienate and hurt members that i don't want to hurt?" all sorts of things.. and see, trying to live the Jesus life is like this, i think. it is that *not knowing* that is a big characteristic difference between that and living just a "christian life" where you are always trying to fit into social norms. (following that, i think i would take down my "art"..) but yeah, so i got to thinking about peter again. and man, that guy was hit and miss. but see, that's actually the cool thing about him.. at least he was "try".. rather than brain freeze... he took chances, tried to live the Jesus life, messed up, was corrected, tried again... and he received forgiveness, encouragement, second chances.. even a Call.
people have said i think too much. i don't think thinking is all that bad, but it get's overrated when there is no action. when i use it as an excuse to keep me from taking a stand or just hopping off the fence to "try".. perhaps try leads to fail, but don't i fail when i don't move at all?
Well I woke up this morning...morning hangover? Dunno. I read in Luke 6:20-26 the blessings and woes section. Read it for yourself. Which group of people do I identify with? Yes I identify with the rich the ones who are well fed the ones who laugh and the ones where people speak well of me. That is disturbing. In James 4:9 it says grieve mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. . Humble yourselves before the Lord and he will lift you up. How can I do that? How can I humble myself? Something in my life isn't right if I'm living pretty comfortably with more luxuries than I need. Where is God calling? Where can I step out in faith out of my comfort and wealth? I dunno.
inspired ---> off & running
it's funny how a conversation can crack open a link to a whole train of thoughts that you thought were independent of each other.. I corin 4.. scum of the earth, refuse of the world... you are worried about many things.. but only one thing is needed... only one thing is needed... one thing... kingdom of God... what is that?... what if we really walked it.. what would happen? for the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power... yeah.. rawk & ride... taking Him at His word... letting that Pursuit chill you to the bones with how real it is... how real He is.. dang, we're dealing with the real real thing here.. freaky deaky.. ok, so daniel, we're holding each other accountable to this. i'm so curious how this will go. and i set this up to track the process.. falls and all.. the jesus life... let's go.
