not just able

Today at Orsil chapel I heard about the feeding of the five thousand again (heard about it last night as well.) Today's slant just really hit home for me. Suddenly, I was a disciple, incredulously walking around with one of those baskets of bread. I could feel my cheeks getting hot, and not just because of the late-day sun, but rather out of that anxious embarassment at trying to pass out food when the masses went on forever around me. And then passing out the bread, and seeing the pile shrinking in direct proportion to my growing anxiety.. and me trying to quell the mess of negative thoughts swirling in my head. and then suddenly i notice what i had stopped noticing as i was internally grumbling & externally going through the motions of giving out bread-- the pile has ceased to diminish. it looks so weird, because i'm walking and picking up bread, but overall the bread level is not clearing so that i can see the bottom of the basket.. and i'm almost in a trance now, everything seems slowed around me as i am witnessing the miracle.. and i've given to hundreds of people now.. what the...? and i kind of turn back to look at Jesus, and He's far away, but He sees me too, and it's that moment, like the one I had that other time, and somehow I hear Him speaking to my heart, and i turn around and go back to giving out the bread.

and with each piece of bread i take out of that basket, as i give it to another person, i hear the word, "I am willing." over and over, bread after bread, "I am willing, I am willing, I am willing, I am willing, I am willing...." and He's using me too..