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Thursday, November 28, 2002
Well now. I did something this morning that was fairly significant.
Last night (well, around four this morning I came to one conclusion after another concerning God's work in our lives. I realized that a lot of times, we suffer in anguish over sins or hurts that only He has the power to heal. Flash to the gospels.. I remembered how people would come to Jesus and He, of course, knew what they needed (even more so than they.) And yet He would ask seemingly innane questions that sounded a lot like, "Well, what would you like me to do for you today?" But see, that got at something, what do we want? I realized that for me, I often spoke about how I wanted to be healed or set free from my brokenness, but when I came before Jesus, I really didn't want that. To say yes to Jesus' healing is to say good-bye to holding onto grudges, guilt, or shame and things that become such a security blanket, even as they are embarrassing for someone who's supposed to be growing up (or "grown up?") Anyway, what ends up happening, is that if the person tells Jesus they really want healing, and believe He can do it, what they need then is His willingness. And as I learned, He is willing. Then He would tell them to do something as an active affirmative, like reaching out to receive His gift.. stretch out your hand, cast out the nets, leave everything & follow.. now, if they accept His gift, they move. To reject Him is as simple as walking away, just as the rich man who was told to sell all his possessions, give to the poor and follow.
So, when I begged for healing from the past and God asked me to go to my parents and confess to them my sin and ask them to join me in my stand for purity, I thought He was CRAZY.. it was a definite NO WAY, don't even go there. Even just the thought of it terrified me. And yet as I wrote and wrote, one logical thought followed another. If I call Jesus my "Lord," that means, what He says goes. And as I hurled all my objections, I realized that I was afraid of condemnation & rejection & letting them down. But I also realized that Jesus was offering for me to come clean & out of hiding from the past, to stop living a facade and let my face see the sun.. And I also saw that the most important Person had already forgiven me. To go to my parents was not to ask for a "final say" of forgiveness, the final say had been given already. This was just to accept that full forgiveness for myself & confidently make my stand on God's side. Does this make any sense. (I am so much more coherent late at night-- yeah, backwards, huh?)
So this morning I told them. I told my mom & dad that I had violated my own vows of purity and that I sought to bring them into the future and into helping me combat future temptation. Oh, it was crazy. In the middle of my confession the phone rang and my mom answered it and talked to someone for a long time. That freaked me out b/c then we were sitting there with my half-spilled confession sitting there.. but it turned out good b/c I got to collect my thoughts a bit and check that yeah, God was still there. His forgiveness was still real.
What does all this mean now? I don't know, but I'm stepping out and trying, guys. Trying this Jesus life thing.. taking strange leaps into the dark, just because He asked me to. His love is all about freaking us out like this, to our great delight & satisfaction. I think that's neat.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
"by His wounds we are healed" -says Peter
i don't think i fully grasp that awesome statement yet. any thoughts?
Monday, November 11, 2002
"You make me wanna lose
You make me wanna lose
You make me wanna lose
my.....
wealth."
In light of that article, Daniel, what do you think about that engagement ring estimate you told me about last night? Is it worth it?
(Good writing. Philosophy made understandable & applicable.. very convicting.)
Saturday, November 09, 2002
The Singer Solution to World Poverty
read that article and tell me what you think.
Hey David,
Lets go dude... China! hahha. I've been to Balboa Park for cold turkey EV with the Navs. There was a lady.. we don't know her name but she trashed us... we call her burger lady because she was eating a burger. About your comment about us being a church. Of course we are a church in a certain sense. Yet in other senses I don't feel like we are a church. Perhaps this is my own feeling, but we have different ministries. You are caring about a lot of people I don't know. I am caring for a different set of people. We aren't deeply involved in each other's lives. We might get to see each other once a week, and sometimes not that much, but the new testament church saw each other every day. Yes we are a church in one sense, but in another I feel like we are definitely too far apart. We seem to have different visions and different callings which is fine. But I don't think our visions and callings are shared. They aren't coming together. There isn't the intimacy. If you were to be hurting on a particular day, there would be no way I could find out. You would have to tell me. Unfortunately we don't see each other often enough to go through every day struggles with each other. Perhaps a church in the wider sense does not need to do that, but the church in the traditional sense of the word definitely does have a sense of sharing struggles. I know we do share big struggles with each other, but not every day struggles. Sometimes we probably feel to far away to share some struggles even though we live in the same city. And its not just about sharing struggles, I think its also about helping each other out with those struggles. We can pray for each other, and thats the most we can probably do. If Sam were having problems with a guy bugging her, I couldn't go up to the guy and tell him to stand down. I couldn't because I don't know most of the people she interacts with. It is a matter of involvement. According to that definition of church, I think also, many local churches are not churches. And THAT is why we wanted to start a church.
Monday, November 04, 2002
Hey guys, sorry to not post earlier about this, but back on Oct 21st i was really wrestling with some stuff with God. He ended up giving me Psalm 96 & then Psalm 102:12-22. I was sure that it went with the year of the Lord's favor stuff...
Then tonight (as many Sunday nights recently) I couldn't go to bed, though flagrantly tired, because I'm just eating up the Word... so many passages from the past jumping out at me.. it's like the most starved sheep giving full room to feed.. and suddenly my eyes fall on this passage, one that has never struck me before at all, but strikes me now..
"As God's fellow workers we urge you not to receive God's grace in vain. For he says,
'In the time of my favor I heard you,
and in the day of salvation I helped you.' I tell you, now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation." -II Corinthians 6:1-2
I seriously got the chills when reading this verse, and thought I should share it with you. The day of salvation part seemed strange to me, but I think I'm getting another message from that, which goes with some stuff I've been holding back on God about.. things that I'm sure He wants to change in me, but I am too stubborn & prideful to give up and work with Him about.. today when I was being really blah about it all, He reminded me of some lines from a song that keep sloshing through my head, "I got dirty hands,/ I got dirty feet/ From all the things/ I can't repeat./ I talk all the day,/ Of how I want it to be/ But it's my own fault/ That I'm not free." (The Elms) See, He's already set me free, right? So that I'm still walking around in chains is really my deal.. but this is it, today can be the day of salvation..
Honestly, I still don't know how things will turn out.
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