Well now. I did something this morning that was fairly significant.

Last night (well, around four this morning I came to one conclusion after another concerning God's work in our lives. I realized that a lot of times, we suffer in anguish over sins or hurts that only He has the power to heal. Flash to the gospels.. I remembered how people would come to Jesus and He, of course, knew what they needed (even more so than they.) And yet He would ask seemingly innane questions that sounded a lot like, "Well, what would you like me to do for you today?" But see, that got at something, what do we want? I realized that for me, I often spoke about how I wanted to be healed or set free from my brokenness, but when I came before Jesus, I really didn't want that. To say yes to Jesus' healing is to say good-bye to holding onto grudges, guilt, or shame and things that become such a security blanket, even as they are embarrassing for someone who's supposed to be growing up (or "grown up?") Anyway, what ends up happening, is that if the person tells Jesus they really want healing, and believe He can do it, what they need then is His willingness. And as I learned, He is willing. Then He would tell them to do something as an active affirmative, like reaching out to receive His gift.. stretch out your hand, cast out the nets, leave everything & follow.. now, if they accept His gift, they move. To reject Him is as simple as walking away, just as the rich man who was told to sell all his possessions, give to the poor and follow.

So, when I begged for healing from the past and God asked me to go to my parents and confess to them my sin and ask them to join me in my stand for purity, I thought He was CRAZY.. it was a definite NO WAY, don't even go there. Even just the thought of it terrified me. And yet as I wrote and wrote, one logical thought followed another. If I call Jesus my "Lord," that means, what He says goes. And as I hurled all my objections, I realized that I was afraid of condemnation & rejection & letting them down. But I also realized that Jesus was offering for me to come clean & out of hiding from the past, to stop living a facade and let my face see the sun.. And I also saw that the most important Person had already forgiven me. To go to my parents was not to ask for a "final say" of forgiveness, the final say had been given already. This was just to accept that full forgiveness for myself & confidently make my stand on God's side. Does this make any sense. (I am so much more coherent late at night-- yeah, backwards, huh?)

So this morning I told them. I told my mom & dad that I had violated my own vows of purity and that I sought to bring them into the future and into helping me combat future temptation. Oh, it was crazy. In the middle of my confession the phone rang and my mom answered it and talked to someone for a long time. That freaked me out b/c then we were sitting there with my half-spilled confession sitting there.. but it turned out good b/c I got to collect my thoughts a bit and check that yeah, God was still there. His forgiveness was still real.

What does all this mean now? I don't know, but I'm stepping out and trying, guys. Trying this Jesus life thing.. taking strange leaps into the dark, just because He asked me to. His love is all about freaking us out like this, to our great delight & satisfaction. I think that's neat.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

- Sam, 11:59 AM ::